Flyinging Without Wings

My journey began the summer of 1990 when I ended up in the hospital at 2:00 am with an anxiety/panic attack. This was followed by six weeks of acute depression, and then a very gradual fading of the dark gray frame of mind that followed me around continually. It seemed as though I was constantly watching life pass me by on the other side of a thick plate of glass, and certainly life was too serious, sad, and painful to take time to laugh, play, or have fun.

As I pursued resources to give me relief from the discouragement which haunted me day in and day out, I began to consider happenings and losses in my life which God never intended his children to experience. I also started studying how those events might have impacted the loss of heart and absence of spirit in my life.

I first experienced abuse at the hands of two teen-aged boys when I was four or five hears old. Not long after that experience, those same two teen boys held me and my brothers at gunpoint in the woods near our home with their rifles for what seemed like an eternity. This was a fright more than I was able to put into words.

As I grew older, I came to realize that I didn't remember being played with, held, hugged or kissed as a child. I recalled the strangeness of the dozen or more years when the family "nanny", turned Daddy's mistress (and her unusual son) lived in our home, all of the time my mother turning her face "the other direction".

Over and over again I could sense the strange, sick-to-my-stomach feeling I had when my dad's mistress repeatedly shared with me details of their escapades over the years, as well as those of other "men" in her life. She also brought into our home for a number of years, her brother, a convicted murderer, and another "boyfriend" of hers, a practicing homosexual.

It was after eighth grade when on a family camping vacation that, with terror one night, I was awakened by being assaulted by my older brother. Years later I sought advice and help from a pastoral counselor who in time blackmailed me to submit to inappropriate and indecent physically attentions from him. The memory of the night, that a tiny life's body and voice within me was ripped out and dumped in the trash, has resulted in an incalculable mental and emotional anguish.

My heartache and heartbreak wasn't over yet. After decades of marriage, and five children later, my "looking-good-on-the-outside" spouse divulged, under duress, his chronic unfaithfulness throughout all of our marriage, and shared his life-long secret of childhood sexual abuse that spanned many years experienced at the hands of several older girls in his neighborhood. My heart was shattered. Getting out of bed each day was a chore beyond belief and merely putting one foot in front of the other was just about all I could do.

But I want you to know, the fallout from all of this did not go without notice. Caring resources, support, help, hope, answers and healing results were available "for the asking."

I don't want to lead you to think addressing such wounds, abuse and violations has been easy, nor that the desired results have come quickly. It has seldom been like that. It has been the single most difficult and grueling experience of my life. In fact, my life at present is perhaps as challenging as it has ever been. But...I am now learning to "fly without wings," and underneath me are the "Everlasting Arms."

~I am learning to surrender my self-defeating behaviors.

~I am growing in strength and insight to make good choices for myself.

~I am able to act more positively on behalf of my health, job, family, and finances.

~I am finding that others can do for themselves what I thought I had to do
for them.

~I am cheered by my increasing ability to give and receive love graciously.

~I am becoming more at ease and available for loving relationships with others.

~I am becoming more honest with myself and with others.

~I am experiencing true fellowship with others in "like" circumstances.

~I've made friends who love and accept me as I am, but care too much to let
me stay that way.

~My feelings of failure and inadequacy are changing to self-confidence and
independence of spirit.

~I no longer expect others to provide me with an identity or sense of self worth.

~I am finding the courage to be true to myself.

*(adapted from my personal experience with Twelve-Step literature)

Are you, or have you ever, been haunted by constant feelings of sadness, anger, depression, guilt, shame, shut down emotions, insecurity, inferiority, irritability, and despair? Are you drawn to withdrawal and seclusion? Do you experience physical and/or emotional exhaustion, chronic headaches or other explained or unexplained physical, mental, or emotional ailments?

What about cravings for, or addictions to, food, alcohol, drugs (prescription or over-the-counter), "romantic" relationships or novels, attention, sex, work, control, religion, spending/saving, busyness, tobacco, looking good, sounding good, or any number of other out-of-control feelings or behaviors?

You don't have to carry those heartaches, burdens and pains in secret and alone anymore. I urge you to take the risk of stepping out into the light. You are worth it! You deserve the peace and freedom God meant for you to know. I encourage you to contact a trusted professional (pastor, physician, Christian counselor, etc). They can help, or they can direct you to a place where you will feel safe and can have anonymity.

My heart's desire is that you will have the courage to begin learning to be true to yourself, to be open to learning how to "fly without wings," and to start feeling the relief of having underneath you the strong, unfailing "Everlasting Arms."

With much encouragement and affection,

Lenore

** Article title borrowed from the book "Flying Without Wings," by Arnold R. Beisser, which says that, "The person who makes the greatest progress is the one who has stopped waiting for an all-encompassing breakthrough and has settled for a little gain each day."