Strength for the Journey

When I was told it would take a long time, a really long time for my spouse to achieve genuine and lasting change and freedom from the darkness and death grip of sexual addiction, little did I truly understand what that would mean personally for me. For one thing, out of fear of losing me, my spouse tended to say what he thought I wanted to hear from him, and perhaps even what he wanted to hear from himself. When the going continued to be tough for him, I continued to be let down again and again.

Today while listening to a recording of the song "The Love of God," it has occurred to me that taking a long time, a really long time to achieve genuine and lasting peace and freedom from the darkness and death grip of disappointment and discouragement on the journey applied to me as well. The song spoke to me of the width and depth and breadth with which God cares about me, and about you, and those who give us challenge(s).

Let me share with you the words of this song I have heard many times, but today, heard with "new" ears and heart in need of a soothing touch from God. You have likely heard it a number if not many times yourself.
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The love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell.
It goes beyond the highest star and reaches to the lowest hell...

Could we with ink the oceans fill,
Or were the skies with parchments made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,

To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry!
Nor could the scroll contain the whole
though stretched from sky to sky!

Oh love of God, how rich and pure, how measureless and strong.
It shall forever more endure the saints' and angels' song.

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How unfathomable it is for me to try and think literally about all the oceans being ink, all the skies being parchment, all the stalks being quills, and all men being scribes. BUT, the love of God would literally drain the oceans dry, and the scrolls if stretched farther than the eye can see on a clear day would not be large enough to hold enough words of God's expressions of love for me, for you, for those that give us challenge(s) in life.

I need warriors to walk alongside me on this journey, and all praise to God that he has provided just the ones I need, though I haven't always recognized them nor felt them as such! I hope and pray that you also have warriors to walk alongside you on your journey. Not just heavenly warriors, but warriors in human form! If you have them, thank God for them; if not, or if you can't "see" them pray to God for them; we have not because we ask not. Also, grow in patience as you trust God...or...trust God as you grow in patience. Just don't try to do it alone.

Flyinging Without Wings

My journey began the summer of 1990 when I ended up in the hospital at 2:00 am with an anxiety/panic attack. This was followed by six weeks of acute depression, and then a very gradual fading of the dark gray frame of mind that followed me around continually. It seemed as though I was constantly watching life pass me by on the other side of a thick plate of glass, and certainly life was too serious, sad, and painful to take time to laugh, play, or have fun.

As I pursued resources to give me relief from the discouragement which haunted me day in and day out, I began to consider happenings and losses in my life which God never intended his children to experience. I also started studying how those events might have impacted the loss of heart and absence of spirit in my life.

I first experienced abuse at the hands of two teen-aged boys when I was four or five hears old. Not long after that experience, those same two teen boys held me and my brothers at gunpoint in the woods near our home with their rifles for what seemed like an eternity. This was a fright more than I was able to put into words.

As I grew older, I came to realize that I didn't remember being played with, held, hugged or kissed as a child. I recalled the strangeness of the dozen or more years when the family "nanny", turned Daddy's mistress (and her unusual son) lived in our home, all of the time my mother turning her face "the other direction".

Over and over again I could sense the strange, sick-to-my-stomach feeling I had when my dad's mistress repeatedly shared with me details of their escapades over the years, as well as those of other "men" in her life. She also brought into our home for a number of years, her brother, a convicted murderer, and another "boyfriend" of hers, a practicing homosexual.

It was after eighth grade when on a family camping vacation that, with terror one night, I was awakened by being assaulted by my older brother. Years later I sought advice and help from a pastoral counselor who in time blackmailed me to submit to inappropriate and indecent physically attentions from him. The memory of the night, that a tiny life's body and voice within me was ripped out and dumped in the trash, has resulted in an incalculable mental and emotional anguish.

My heartache and heartbreak wasn't over yet. After decades of marriage, and five children later, my "looking-good-on-the-outside" spouse divulged, under duress, his chronic unfaithfulness throughout all of our marriage, and shared his life-long secret of childhood sexual abuse that spanned many years experienced at the hands of several older girls in his neighborhood. My heart was shattered. Getting out of bed each day was a chore beyond belief and merely putting one foot in front of the other was just about all I could do.

But I want you to know, the fallout from all of this did not go without notice. Caring resources, support, help, hope, answers and healing results were available "for the asking."

I don't want to lead you to think addressing such wounds, abuse and violations has been easy, nor that the desired results have come quickly. It has seldom been like that. It has been the single most difficult and grueling experience of my life. In fact, my life at present is perhaps as challenging as it has ever been. But...I am now learning to "fly without wings," and underneath me are the "Everlasting Arms."

~I am learning to surrender my self-defeating behaviors.

~I am growing in strength and insight to make good choices for myself.

~I am able to act more positively on behalf of my health, job, family, and finances.

~I am finding that others can do for themselves what I thought I had to do
for them.

~I am cheered by my increasing ability to give and receive love graciously.

~I am becoming more at ease and available for loving relationships with others.

~I am becoming more honest with myself and with others.

~I am experiencing true fellowship with others in "like" circumstances.

~I've made friends who love and accept me as I am, but care too much to let
me stay that way.

~My feelings of failure and inadequacy are changing to self-confidence and
independence of spirit.

~I no longer expect others to provide me with an identity or sense of self worth.

~I am finding the courage to be true to myself.

*(adapted from my personal experience with Twelve-Step literature)

Are you, or have you ever, been haunted by constant feelings of sadness, anger, depression, guilt, shame, shut down emotions, insecurity, inferiority, irritability, and despair? Are you drawn to withdrawal and seclusion? Do you experience physical and/or emotional exhaustion, chronic headaches or other explained or unexplained physical, mental, or emotional ailments?

What about cravings for, or addictions to, food, alcohol, drugs (prescription or over-the-counter), "romantic" relationships or novels, attention, sex, work, control, religion, spending/saving, busyness, tobacco, looking good, sounding good, or any number of other out-of-control feelings or behaviors?

You don't have to carry those heartaches, burdens and pains in secret and alone anymore. I urge you to take the risk of stepping out into the light. You are worth it! You deserve the peace and freedom God meant for you to know. I encourage you to contact a trusted professional (pastor, physician, Christian counselor, etc). They can help, or they can direct you to a place where you will feel safe and can have anonymity.

My heart's desire is that you will have the courage to begin learning to be true to yourself, to be open to learning how to "fly without wings," and to start feeling the relief of having underneath you the strong, unfailing "Everlasting Arms."

With much encouragement and affection,

Lenore

** Article title borrowed from the book "Flying Without Wings," by Arnold R. Beisser, which says that, "The person who makes the greatest progress is the one who has stopped waiting for an all-encompassing breakthrough and has settled for a little gain each day."

Born to Fly: A Prayer For a Hard Day

Born to Fly: A Prayer For a Hard Day

Born to Fly: Giving and Not Being Depleted

Born to Fly: Giving and Not Being Depleted

Born to Fly: Then Sings My Soul

Born to Fly: Then Sings My Soul

Born to Fly: What is Born to Fly?

Born to Fly: What is Born to Fly?

A Prayer For a Hard Day

I came across this prayer while having devotions one day. I was going through "one of those times" when prayer was what I needed and my own words just wouldn't come. It is a blessing to me still when I'm in "one of those moods."

Dear Lord,

Sometimes life seems so tough,
So unreasonable, so painful.
Yet you are here, meeting me...
In the midst of it all.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by
The presence of negative circumstances,
I admit that some of it is of my own making,
Yet so much is beyond my control.

Too often I have failed to discern
The thread of your grace, and
The support of your "everlasting arms!"

Help me to know that my life is defined by You.
When burdened down my memories of failure,
When overwhelmed by circumstances only You can change,
Enable me to both extend and receive support and encouragement.

Abide in me Lord, that my sorrow might always become Joy in You.

In the healing name of Jesus,

Amen

Giving and Not Being Depleted

"The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

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What if I practiced this blessing in every one of my relationships? What if I repeated it over and over again? What if I wrote it to others, and myself, over and over again? As I spend time with friends, family, co-workers, and all those I encounter going about my day, what if I started my conversations with it, and also ended them with it? Dwight L. Moody said "it would never be impoverished."

The thought occurred to me as I was pondering these words of this fourteenth century hymn "The Lord Bless You and Keep You," that when my words and deeds show that I care, when I give from the fullness with which others have blessed me, and when I am careful to listen from the heart, over and over again, I am not depleted but I am blessed. Honestly though, many are the times I get side-tracked by over-extending myself, not taking proper care of myself, getting careless in my time with God, and "doing battle" in the workplace or at home.

So, today I am reminded again to "get up", get going, and be faithful to the journey. Won't you join me, and we can sing praises to our God for his faithfulness, even at those re-occurring and frustrating times we don't sense his nearness?

Ever onward...ever upward...

Then Sings My Soul

For weeks now this phrase, this line from a hymn, started going round and round in my head as I wondered what foundation this blog would establish itself upon. It simply appeared "out of the blue" and began to grow in my heart, perhaps as if God was trying to tell me something.

Many times I have pondered all that God has created; our universe and other worlds unknown to you and me, the heavens full of the glory of the sun, moon and stars, the waters and woods and mountains full of glorious life and sound and color. Then more unimaginable than all that, he gifted me (and you) with his Son, our Elder Brother, who bled and died to give me (and you) what was undeserved. All of this, I cannot wrap my mind around. I must merely accept it and not yet understand it.

Many times I have pondered my life, wondering about the rugged mountains to climb, the swirling waters to battle, the raging winds and storms to fight against. Again, I must merely accept that they are, and not yet understand why. So, I cling to what I know is true and practice grasping a faith and trust that God and his Son are going to bestow on me imaginings beyond my wildest dreams and hopes; joy to fill my wounded heart, peace to soothe my troubled spirit, and music to fill my longing soul. How great it is to know the truth that he is God, that Jesus saves, especially when I feel "down and out."

This is what I want for you too, you my wounded, battered Sister Friend. It would be my joy and honor and privilege to travel with you through and along this journey. I invite you to join me to travel ever onward...ever upward.

What is Born to Fly?

Born To Fly is a blog born out of betrayal; betrayal by parents, betrayal by brothers, betrayal by a trusted counselor, betrayal by a trusted doctor, and more. Here though, is offered safety, blessings, friendship and more. Come and rest awhile here. Come and comment here. Come find hope here. Come and find some peace here. Come and find renewal here. Most of all, come and find your Elder Brother here.

I was Born to Fly. You Were Born to Fly. This has been God's heart for you and me from the beginning. Immediately though, there was another force in this world that had other ideas, evil designs and schemes, all against us. For me it started with parents who were experiencing one of the most difficult stages of their marriage at the time I was conceived. And life for them continued to go from bad to worse.

This was the atmosphere into which I was born. And prior to being born, while still in my mother's womb, I automatically began to "carry the feelings" of my mother. This is one of the inevitable facets of life for each of us. Mom lived in an emotional pit of despair, and this was all I knew by the time I entered into this world. As time passed I didn't know being held and cuddled. I didn't know being played with and being adored. I was another burden weighing on Mom during the times of pain and distress that permeated her heart daily.

Dad was an unfaithful wanderer with a narcisistic nature. He had an angry and agitated temperment. He considered all raising of the children to be her job, that his was to bring home a paycheck. And it was a very meager income since he dropped out of high school in order to provide for his family. This seemed to be one of the few moral responsibiliies he took seriously.

Quite early in life I noticed this lifestyle was not the "fate" of everyone. I saw other people playing with and holding their children. They cuddled them and kept them clean and fresh and dressed nicely. Now this was big piece of life I wished was mine, a piece of life that never existed for me under my parents care.

So, I began my search to learn how to care for myself in ways I longed for, in ways I knew in my heart God intended. Most of all I needed to learn how to let God take care of me and to let him be the "care-taker" of my heart.